Busy, busy, busy

I have been a sewing fool this week. I bought my daughter a bunk bed at Overstock for her American Girl dolls over the summer and put it away for Christmas. Last week I found it buried deep in the garage and decided I should probably not wait until Christmas week to put it together. After I got it assembled I realized there was no way I could give it to her with the hideous bedding it came with so I set off to Joanne's to find some super cute fabric and embellishments. Now I should tell you that I really don't sew. I have a machine and I have somehow produced cornice boards for my family room, kitchen and daughter's playroom but I am really not quite sure how it actually happened. I can't read the patterns so I don't even bother with them anymore. I just basically eye it up and then try to recreate it. So, anyhow I returned home with my fabulous fabrics thinking the whole way home that I should have just bought her another bed from American Girl and then I wouldn't be worrying about all of this right now. For what I paid for the fabric and the bunk beds I could have. Once I got the fabric home I had a momentary panic that I had really gotten in over my head this time but I am proud to say that I have stuck to it and I am almost done. Once I got into it I also realized the bed set came with a little closet. So far I have made curtains and a back wall for the closet, two mattresses, and both comforters. All I have left to do is the pillows. I think I am going to make one big one for each bed and then two smaller throw pillows so there will be six to make total. I should have done them tonight but I am a little fried. I will definitely put up a picture when it is done. Also a picture of the dinosaur is coming as soon as my daughter brings it home from school as I forgot to take his picture before sending him off with her.
I have my wrapping all done except a few packages that arrived today. I may have to run out for something else for my husband and I need stocking stuffers but the rest of the shopping is done. I have made four types of cookies - still have a long way to go with my baking. I still need to do all my grocery shopping though and think that will be done maybe Monday - Friday if I get to it but I doubt it. I have most of my Christmas cards done and mailed. Of course somehow I didn't order enough cards this year and I am about 30 cards short. It's too late now to order more so I went through our list with a fine tooth comb and made some major cuts. Brought me back to wedding planning days when husband and I had to fine tune our guest list. Anyway, the cards have started to pour in and wouldn't you know it just about every card we've received so far is from someone I cut from our list. Now what! I think I am going to suck it up and go to the store to buy cards and send out to the people we cut from the list. I thought once I had a child I graduated to the photo card and no longer had to write anything but this year I guess will be different. So, the cards are done - mostly. I skimped on decorations this year. I didn't put everything up and one of the main things that got axed is my Nana's Christmas village. It is a major undertaking and in this house I don't have a great location for it - there are soooo many houses - so I put some of it on top of my china cabinet and the rest on top of a book shelf in my family room. Both require being up and down on the ladder and that was just not going to happen this year. I have some boughs for the banister that I may still put up and I will probably decorate my daughter's room but mostly the house is decorated. I may sound like everything is all together but the truth is that something has to give and lately that has been house cleanliness. To the naked eye my house is clean but I know it's not. Right now it is a mess and just about every room needs to be cleaned. The laundry is piled so high on the spare room bed that my daughter was using it as a mountain for her dolls to sled down. It's all clean just not folded or put away. I gave up my cleaning lady right after Christmas last year. I was done with my last surgery and having her come clean my house made me feel like I still wasn't able. So in my effort to get my life back to some semblance of normal I let her go and believe me there have been lots of times especially recently that I think someone should have stopped me. Clearly I wasn't in my right mind and had no business making such drastic decisions. So, that's some of what I have been up to. I have a couple other big things (major really) that have been in the works and taking up some time but I'll tell you about them the next time. So I hope you are all getting all of your prep done and are able to take a few minutes to sit and enjoy some of it all. I'm trying to!

Modge Podge

I just about modge podged my entire kitchen this evening. My daughter was given a research assignment on dinosaurs before Thanksgiving. She did the research before break and then she needed to make a model of the dinosaur she chose. So she made one out of model magic when we were at my mother's. She didn't bring it in on Monday because some of the pieces came apart during the flight home and need to be glued. I thought the model looked appropriate for something that a first grader would do. Well, apparently there must be some very talented first graders in her class because she came home on Monday and announced that she can not bring in her model because it is no where near as good as what the rest of her class is turning in. As she tells it, the other kids have turned in dinosaurs made out of legos almost as big as she is and other similarly fabulous creations. So, I agreed to help her make something else that she would feel more comfortable turning in. Her only request is that it be able to stand. So Monday I couldn't get her to work on it - she was just fried from the first day back. Last night she had art after school and by the time we got home she had enough time to choke down dinner and rush to Daisy scouts. So, tonight was the night. We came up with the idea to take a soda bottle and modge podge it with construction paper and then she wanted to use egg carton for feet. We're not sure what we're going to use for a tail yet. So tonight we modge podged and if you have ever used that stuff you know it is completely messy. So about half way through I decided that it probably wasn't such a good idea to use it directly on my granite counter tops so I started to clean up the area so we could put some wax paper down. Well, I'm not entirely sure how it got knocked off the counter because I really didn't think I bumped it but the entirely full container of modge podge went sailing off the counter top onto the floor and just basically exploded when it hit the ground. I had modge podge EVERYWHERE! It reminded me of the great chili explosion of 1999 in the all white kitchen of our apartment. Anyway after much clean up I think I have it all wiped up and I had to declare that we'd had enough modge podging for one night. Why can't parents just let their kids do their own projects. If they had than my daughter could have turned in her perfectly fine model magic dinosaur and we'd be done and my tree would have gotten decorated tonight. Oh well! I am such a hypocrite though because I'm certain that I am going to work on the project tomorrow while she is at school so all we have left to do after she gets home is slap that puppy together.

We're back!

We've actually been back since Sunday afternoon. I'm still not in the swing of things. I just can't seem to get going. It's got to be the pregnancy but I really don't remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with my daughter. I could literally just lie around all day. I just don't want to do anything and unfortunately I've got lots that needs to be done! I do have both Christmas trees up but neither have decorations on them yet and that's about the extent of what I have done for Christmas. My shopping is in a dire situation. Usually by now I have a major dent in my list and concrete ideas for what I want to get everyone. That is not the case this year. The doctor has deemed the mall off limits (although I am considering renting a wheel chair to go one day). I wasn't able to do any Black Friday shopping either and I usually make a big dent that day. I also usually kick off my shopping the first weekend in November at the Junior League Holiday Market but this year I was on bed rest and missed it. I don't like internet shopping but I did some yesterday. We'll see what I actually end up with. I find it hard to keep track of what I've bought that way and I just don't like it. It took me all day to make a purchase at American Girl and even then I couldn't get everything I wanted. I would put it in my cart and when I went to check out it wouldn't be there. Ugh!! I don't know what I'm going to do. I've got to get this shopping done but I'm thinking most of it will end up being done last minute.

Thankful

Disney was fun. Not as magical as last year but still fun. I'm not sure what it was that made it less than last year. Could be that nothing can top the first time. Could be that I am usually the one driving the bus so to speak and that wasn't really happening with me in the wheelchair. I felt like more of a spectator than a participant most of the night. Could be that Disney has had some budget cuts and things were really not up to their normal standards and it was noticeable. I think if you don't go much you might not notice the differences but we certainly thought that the quality of just about everything was not up to their usual standards - sad. Nonetheless, we still had fun and my daughter had a blast which is all that really matters.

We are off to New York tomorrow for Thanksgiving and I am really excited. I am looking forward to seeing my mom, watching the parade, eating the Thanksgiving meal -all of it. I am thankful that some family members will not be in attendance this year so there will be no holiday drama for a change. Wish we could take Madison into the city to see the parade but that will have to wait for another year. I am lucky the doctor agreed to let me go at all and I was not about to push my luck. I'm really not up for that anyway and I don't see a wheelchair working out too well for me at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I think it would be like at Disney where I really ended up watching the behinds of all the people standing in front of me - not pretty!! I am hoping to see some friends from high school while I am home and my aunt, uncle and cousins on the weekend. Good times. So thankful for all of them. Thankful for another year of good health. Thankful for this pregnancy. Lots and lots to be thankful for and I'm glad that this time of year makes me stop and count my blessings. I think I am focused more on Thanksgiving than usual. Generally I am busy plotting how I am going to fit in all the decking of the halls, and the shopping and the baking and all things Christmas. This year I'm just not that into Christmas yet. Gasp! If you knew me you would know that this has never happened. I still wake up at about 4am on Christmas morning and can barely contain my excitement. I just want to get everyone up and tear into the presents and just savor every last minute of the day. I love, love, love Christmas but this year not so much - at least not yet. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families.

Off to Disney

We're off to Disney World today. We are only about an hour away and it really is one of the big benefits of living in Florida. We have come to love it there - even my husband. He was converted last Christmas when we went to Micky's Merry Christmas Party. It was just such a great night. That's what we are doing tonight. I'm hoping it is as wonderful as last year. The three of us just had so much fun. This year I will be traveling in a wheelchair. It was either agree to the wheelchair or stay home so I agreed. Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that they actually will have one available. Apparently they are rented on a first come, first served basis and since this is a night event I am a little worried that we may not get one. Not sure what I'll do at that point. I guess just sit at the rental counter and hope that someone returns one. Now as much as I enjoy Disney World, I have not resorted to wearing character clothing. I just don't get that fashion statement. A few of our neighbors in Charlotte were disney wearing women and I always found it odd. I thought maybe it was because they had children (at the time we did not) and the urge might hit once I did too. Thankfully that was not the case. No offense if you do sport disney apparel, it's just not for me.

It's All Good

Yesterday's appointment went well. The baby's heartbeat is strong and the measurements were good. The baby was measuring a little big (9 weeks 1 day instead of 8 weeks 3 days) but the doctor said he is not concerned about that. We were using the older machine which apparently has a bigger margin for error. I'm still on modified bed rest with no lifting, no exercise & no nookie. I'm a little concerned about not exercising (I think my husband is a little concerned about the no nookie!). I just lost all that weight (30 pounds) and although I obviously know I will be gaining it all back with the pregnancy, I would like to be able to stay somewhat fit. I gained 70+ pounds when I had my daughter and it was not pretty at all. For now I am just trying to eat as healthy as I can and trying to embrace the baby belly that is already beginning to emerge. My daughter nearly peed her pants the other day laughing at my belly - lovely! My daughter, by the way, is NOT happy about this baby business. She has come to the point where she likes being an only child and does not want that to change. I am hoping she comes around by the time the baby arrives but I guess she'll get used to it soon enough. I actually feel relaxed about this pregnancy for the first time since we found out about a month ago. So of course now I am concerned with all the other non important details that are suddenly more important - like the fact that I have nothing to wear. I lost the weight and I bought a couple things but I was still losing weight so I didn't want to buy much. Well, now I don't have anything that fits. I only have a few things in the new size and they fit but are getting a little snug in the waist. I thought maybe I could just wear my old clothes that are in the bigger sizes but that are all way too big still so for now I am in a bind. I don't really think I need to start wearing maternity clothes yet but I don't want to go buy more clothes in the new size because I am rapidly outgrowing them. What to do, what to do..... I also don't even know where to go for maternity clothes now. I know there are lots of stores that carry maternity now - unfortunately the doctor declared the mall strictly off limits - too much walking. So I guess it's internet shopping for me but I much prefer to buy clothes that I can see and touch.

Waiting

Waiting is going to be the death of me. Maybe that's too dramatic. Waiting is not going to literally kill me but I think it may take away the last shred of sanity I have left. I have not been posting anything as I am waiting on something very important to me and I have not wanted to jinx it. I think that may be ridiculous thinking so I am going to put it out there and hope that it will be a way to embrace it. I am pregnant - eight weeks. While I am absolutely thrilled, I am also terrified. I have had three miscarriages and an ectopic twin loss in the last three years so pregnancy does not really bring me only joy anymore. Already in this pregnancy I have had tons of blood work done to rule out a whole host of problems - all coming up normal thankfully. I have also been on bed rest and am now on modified bed rest because I am having what they called a threatened miscarriage - some bleeding and cramping for the last two and a half weeks. Thankfully my doctor has been seeing me every week and doing ultrasounds every week to ensure that the baby still has a heartbeat and is measuring correctly. These visits have been sanity savers - although the days leading up to the visits become increasingly anxiety provoking as I worry that this might be the week when it all goes south for us. This week is really the hardest so far I think because I am starting to allow myself to be happy and to be hopeful. This is also the longest between visits as I usually go in on Mondays but this week could not get an appointment until Wednesday. This is also the latest I have had a miscarriage. My first was between 8 and 9 weeks after we had already seen a heartbeat and everything seemed to be progressing normally. That baby had a rare chromosome disorder. For some reason I feel like if I can make it through this next appointment with everything in order that maybe I will breathe a little easier. I know that I will still not be out of the woods but I will be further along than I have been so that makes me hopeful that this time will be different. So I sit and I wait until Wednesday's appointment to get reassurance that all of these weird twinges and cramps and bleeding really mean nothing and that the baby is healthy and growing as it should be. Unfortunately this modified bed rest means that I really do mostly just sit and wait. I am not a patient person and I am absolutely not a person who usually does a lot of sitting around so that alone is driving me nuts! I usually don't comply. I was an awful patient when I had my breast cancer surgeries. I was up the day after I got home from my mastectomies riding to school to pick up my daughter - not driving though as I was compliant with taking my pain pills :) I tore my chest muscle after my reconstructive surgery because I just had to put together and set up my very heavy new patio furniture before company came for the fourth of July. I just don't really like being told that I can't do things. This time I am complying as best I can because the stakes are too high. I can't risk the guilt if it doesn't go well. So here I am waiting. Until Wednesday....

UGHHH!!

Do you ever have those days when just about every single person you encounter annoys you? I am having one of those today. I got a call from my co-room rep this morning and to say that I don't really like her and that we are not working well together would be an understatement. I am trying to find at least one redeeming quality but so far am coming up with nothing. This is hard for me because I actually like most people (granted I like most people in small doses but still that counts). I went to a Dr appt this morning and he really aggravated me. I needed to get bloodwork drawn by noon if I was going to get it done today or I have to wait until Saturday morning and of course I didn't get out of the doctor's appt until 11:55. So I was annoyed by that too. I had lunch with a great friend that I have not seen in a few months and she kind of got on my nerves. I spoke to my mom, my brother and my aunt today and they all sort of irritated me. We are trying to put together a deal on another house and our real estate agent is getting on my last nerve. My daughter came home with her report card and I ended up being annoyed with the teacher because I don't understand where she came up with her grades. She actually did very well but she had better grades in all of the math but the one I thought she was doing pretty well with and she didn't do as well as I thought she should have done in reading. I really think she may have mixed up the grades somehow - annoying!! Truly the only people that I enjoyed today are my husband and my daughter. Now that is a change from the ordinary. I can usually muster up a smile and lots of grace for everyone BUT my immediate family. I am thinking it probably wasn't that all of these people are annoying. I think a few of the above mentioned are just very very annoying and so they are ruining it for everyone else today.

NYC, Stress & Relief

We were in NYC this weekend for a wedding. I have been friends with the groom since we were both 12 years old. For a while after college we lived down the street from each other in Federal Hill. We've had so much fun over the years. One of our mutual friends was the best man and in his speech he said that when you are with Josh you always get to do the best stuff. That is so true. He is the kind of guy that absolutely always knows where & how to have the best time. He has an unending supply of energy and he is a fabulous friend. If you are his friend he treats you better than any other friend you will have. I don't even get a chance to talk to him much at all anymore but he definitely always makes me feel as if no time has passed. He called me to tell me when he got engaged. When he found out I had had cancer he scolded me for not letting him know while I was going through it so that he could have helped. He told me that I was a fool for moving in with my boyfriend (now husband) when I moved to Baltimore - maybe he was wrong on that one! The point is, he is the type of friend that everyone needs. He loves you through it all and he is not afraid to speak up and hurt your feelings every once in a while if he thinks you are doing something you are going to regret. He's brutally honest and I love that - so hard to find in a friend. So, of course his wedding was THE BEST! It really was one of the best weddings I have ever been to. Very, very nice - probably cost more than my first house but that is not really what made it the best. The band was fantastic - they played all the right songs at the right time and everyone was dancing all night. The food was great, service impeccable but what really made it a top ten wedding was the bride & groom. They were so totally in love but not in an annoying and sappy way. Josh was happier than I have ever seen him and the way his wife looked at him was just beyond words. I have been in weddings in the past where even as all of the bridesmaids were lined up to go down the isle we were discussing what a big mistake it was. Most of those marriages have not ended well I'm afraid. Anyway, it was a great time and they make a great couple.

We brought my daughter out to my mom's house for the night so we could go to the wedding and she had a nice time visiting with Nannie. On Saturday we took her ice skating in Rockefeller Plaza and to see Mary Poppins. She loved the ice skating and did so well, especially considering it was her first time. Actually ice skating was probably the highlight of the day. Mary Poppins was okay but I must admit I had a hard time staying awake. I don't think that reflects on the show - just on how little sleep I have been getting lately. We also hit American Girl again this trip but this time was much quicker - in and out. We bought a birthday gift for a friend and two things for my daughter. She has not been playing with her dolls as much since our neighbor moved this summer. It was something they did together daily and I think it makes her a little sad to do without her. I am hoping that changes especially since my mother bought her Kit's tree house for Christmas. We also went to a fantastic place for dinner on Friday night - Pepolino. It's in Tribeca & the food, service, atmosphere - everything was just wonderful. The woman who owns it is super nice and we had a wonderful meal and a great time that night at dinner (and a little too much wine). It was a little pricey but definitely worth it.

I've been a bit stressed out lately. I don't usually feel very stressed about much and I really don't like feeling this way. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and I think I have over committed myself. I backed out today of my daughter's school auction. I don't generally do that. If I commit to something I follow through regardless of how crazy I get. In truth, I sometimes thrive on the craziness. After the first meeting I found myself just really dreading it. They had volunteered me to chair a subcommittee when in fact I had only volunteered to be on the committee and they had me working something the night of the auction. In the end, one of my commitments needed to go and since this is the one I am looking least forward to it went. I am also feeling a lot of stress over a situation that I can not actually talk about just yet but I will say that it is not health related and it something that is either going to be the best thing we've ever done or it is going to be an absolute disaster - nightmare!! There is no in the middle with this and there will be a lot of uncertainty before we get to the end so I am going to have to find a way to deal with this stress.

Breast cancer awareness month is also stressing me out. I feel like I can not escape it. It is everywhere. I remember wondering if there would ever be a time where cancer did not occupy nearly every one of my thoughts. I have reached that time. I think about cancer every day and I examine my reconstructed breasts every day. I do worry more about my health now than before too but I do not live in constant fear and worry anymore. Cancer for the moment does not have a stronghold on my life like it did. The problem with the pink ribbons everywhere is that although it is good to make people aware of breast cancer, it has become almost ridiculous and it is something that a lot of cancer survivors have a difficult time seeing. I do not need to be reminded of it. I am a breast cancer survivor just the same as I am right handed and have brown eyes. It is a part of who I am and I know it influences the way I live my life but it doesn't control it anymore. I know the pink ribbons bring in money for research but at times it feels like all of the breast cancer survivors are being "pimped out" - exploited in order to make money. Many of the products with the pink ribbons give maybe 2 cents per purchase to breast cancer. I don't know it just seems way out of balance and I for one will be glad when the month is over and I can buy a yogurt or a box of tissues without a pink ribbon on it. I do donate to breast cancer causes but I research them and try to ensure that my donations are getting put towards something that will make a real difference. I do believe that the message is out there though about early detection and maybe we have the pink ribbons to thank for that. I suppose if it helps one woman find her tumor early enough to save her life than it is worth me having to see the ribbons everywhere and feeling crappy. I did get a call yesterday afternoon from a woman I know who had a mammo that showed some areas of calcification. She was scheduled to go to have a biopsy done today. I have not heard from her today and I am really hoping she is okay. She is a nurse and she seems to think based on what they have told her that more than likely she is not fine. Her twin boys went to Pre-K and Kindergarten with my daughter and her husband is one of my husband's competitors. We traveled together quite a bit last year because we both took the kids out of school and tagged along on some of the husbands' business trips. It was really nice to have someone to spend time with on these trips and to have someone for the kids to play with. She also has a 9 year old daughter who is just super sweet and after our trips I found a little note in my daughter's room expressing her love for one of the twins. So, I am anxious to get her call but I'm sure she probably doesn't have any news and won't until the biopsy results come back. Maybe I'll call after the weekend to schedule a playdate with the boys and give her some time to herself.

As for relief - I heard some news today about a fellow blogger whom I consider a friend which I know is kind of ridiculous because even though I have been reading her blog for a while I really don't know her nor she me - maybe that is just the world of blogging. Anyway, she was facing a breast cancer scare and she found out today that she is fine. I can not tell you how relieved I was to read that. I keep getting choked up about it every time I think about her. I am just so relieved.

Daisys

What have I gotten myself into??? I am beginning to think that I am incapable of saying no. I wanted my daughter to be involved with girl scouts. All of her friends started a month or so ago with their troops through their schools but we had not received anything from her school. A few weeks ago I learned that there are troops that meet at our school but they are apparently full with children returning from last year. I was not really happy about that. It is our first year and I know there are several other new families as well and given the opportunity I believe we would probably have had enough children for a new group.... but I digress. When I didn't think there was a troop at her school I contacted the girl scout council and inquired about a troop closer to our home. When I heard back the woman asked if I would volunteer to help with the troop and I got the impression that without this help, there would not be a troop for my daughter to join so I said yes. So fast forward to tonight's meeting (which I almost missed because I thought it was being held tomorrow) and I am now the leader with a co-leader of a group of about 12 girls. Oh and by the way, I had to lead tonight's meeting with the moms. Hellooo... I don't know ANYTHING about this. There is a meeting about it all tomorrow night and I will be attending that as well. Maybe it would have been helpful to have that meeting tonight and tonight's meeting tomorrow - I'm just saying. On the upside, my daughter is sooo excited about being a daisy and she met some nice girls tonight. To tell the truth I am a wee-bit excited about the whole thing too. It sounds like it is going to be some definate work but I think it is also going to be a whole lot of fun. When I called my husband on the way home his question to me was, "Can't you ever just be a participant" - followed by a good, long laugh. I don't think I can just be the mom that drops off and I know there will be times when I am kicking myself for committing to so many (so, so many) things but for the most part I have a lot of fun with it all.

Spooky

The Halloween decorations have been taken down from the attic and our house is officially ready for Halloween. Just getting the decorations into the house is a major feat since it involves the husband and he just doesn't really see the point of decorating for holidays - not even really for Christmas. Although, to be fair, he did tell me the morning after we had decorated how nice everything looked and that he was enjoying the house this way. Wow - who are you and what have you done with my husband!! Perhaps it is just wishful thinking but he may even want to get in on the action for Christmas. The house is coming along though and the holiday decorations are helping to make it feel like our home again. The painters are almost done and think after today they may finally be done. They are just going to come this evening and finish up the front door. We're going red and I am a little nervous about that. Red can be tricky. It can be great or it can be garish. I am hoping for great! We are still in the process of putting in crown moulding and the husband is doing it himself. It is definitely a work in progress and it is taking infinitely longer than he anticipated. These projects always do. He thought the upstairs would take about a weekend and the downstairs may take two weekends. That would mean we would be done by now. The reality is that each room is taking about a weekend so at this point we have three rooms upstairs completed. At this rate I am hoping he will be able to complete it by the end of the year. He is saving us a lot of money and he is doing a wonderful job. I think for him part of wanting to do this has nothing to do with saving money and everything with proving to himself that he can do it. Really I believe he can do anything. He has done irrigation systems, french drains, wainscoting, drywall work, installed tile floor, baseboards and the list goes on. Last fall he took two of our smaller bedrooms and took out walls and installed new ones to make it into a bonus/game room that we now actually use. I thought I knew him very well before we married but this was a talent he kept hidden until after we were married. Mostly I love this about him but when we are in the throes of a project it starts to get old. Every project always takes months longer than he estimates and I get impatient. Right now I am tired of having my curtains off the windows, furniture moved all over and dust constantly in my house. Talk to me when this project is complete and I will be singing my praises of him and his work. At least the downstairs is orderly and now spooky and we can all enjoy that.

Candy Corn, Apple Cake & Spicy Cinnamon

What is it about candy corn that makes my daughter ga-ga? Perhaps it is the ten million grams of sugar that each kernal possesses. Nonetheless, I must live up to my alterego - fun mommy - at least some of the time and so I break down and buy it the first chance I get every fall. Luckily for me and the husband it is not one of the things that appeal to either of us so we are not tempted by it. I have, however, been tempted by an apple cake that I read about on another blog, The Entertaining House. I would link you to her site but first of all I know no one actually reads my blog and secondly, I don't know how to link you to her blog. The cake looks delish. It is totally NOT on our diet and I can not stop thinking about it!! So I am going to have to bake it and I am thinking that I may do it this week. I have secured a friend to take the remains of the cake off of my hands so I am not tempted to overindulge and eat the entire thing. See the problem with the cake is that I want to try a tiny piece just to satisfy my curiosity and my craving for it and the husband and daughter may also have a tiny piece but then we will be left with the rest of the cake. Being the good girl that I am and having been raised with my depression era Nana I am physically unable to let the rest of the cake go to waste and will subsequently eat the rest of the cake over the course of a few days. So I need to get rid of the remains of the cake but you can't just take a half eaten cake to your neighbors house or your daughter's school - that is just tacky. So, instead I have secured my husband's single friend who works in an office and he is going to take the rest of the cake and bring it to work. He will set it in the conference room and all who enter will think that someone else has already been to the conference room and tried a piece. I do not know why I didn't come up with this idea a long time ago and many extra pounds ago but I think it is brilliant. Truth be told it was not even my idea. It was our friend's idea. I told him about my cake dilemma and asked if he would like the remainder of our cake for himself but then I remembered that he is also trying to eat a healthy diet so I didn't want him to be in the same boat and lo and behold he came up with this brilliant plan. So the cake will be baked this week. It will be a good opportunity to use up some of our apples before we leave for our trip to NYC on Friday and I will know if it is as delish as it sounds. If so, I will put in a bid to my mother so that I can add it to the list of things I will make for our Thanksgiving trip. So, that's settled. I do not think I have time to make it today and one of things I am looking forward to when I make it is the smell that will fill my house with the promise of yummy goodness. Today I already have that smell because I cleaned out a drawer this morning and stumbled across a spicy cinnamon candle (how it ended up in a drawer is anyone's guess. So now my house is filling as I type with the scent of a cool fall day and at least in my mind I can pretend that it is cool and crisp with a bright sunny sky outside but in reality it is probably going to get up near 90 here today.

Nothing in my Closet

My husband and I have been doing a weight loss program for a few months and so far so good. He has lost about 45 pounds and I have lost about 25. More importantly, my body fat has dropped more than ten percent. We have made a complete lifestyle change with the way we eat and think about food and I am so happy with our results. The downside is that none of my clothes fit me now. I know - boohoo for me. But, it really is a problem. I don't want to buy new clothes because I have not reached my goal but I clearly am out of options in my closet so I guess I am going to have to buy a few things to carry me through. More importantly I am going to need to get a few new things to take to NY next weekend. Now I just need to figure out where to start. I don't want to break the bank on clothes that are going to have a short shelf life in my wardrobe but I want things that are going to look nice. Wish I had time to hit the outlets. I may have to make a trip this weekend.

Fall

I am fully aware that most of the people in my life have been experiencing the beauty of fall for weeks now but down here in Florida we have just had one hot day after another. Until today that is. The weather people have been telling us for days that this week will turn cooler so I knew it was coming but I guess I just didn't expect it to be so absolutely wonderful. This morning when I opened my patio door to let the dogs out a rush of cool air blew in and greeted me and I felt new again. I know that sounds ridiculous but that is how it feels. I love, love, love the fall and even though we don't have the gorgeous color changes going on here I can see it in my mind and know that I will be home in a week and a half to see it in person. October has some wonderful memories for me and it is also the month of my wedding anniversary - 9 years. So, today I plan to enjoy this wonderful weather while it lasts and take my daughter to the park after school.

Goodbye Shirley

My mother called me this morning to let me know that a very sweet family friend passed away this morning. Have you ever gotten together with someone and felt when you parted that it might be the last time you saw them? That was the way it was for me when I saw Shirley this summer at my mother's birthday party. She was 80+ years old but that wasn't really what made it think I may not see her again. It was the look in her eyes. She was there but she wasn't really. Her spirit just didn't seem in the game. She had developed diabetes over the last couple of years but other than that was a very healthy lady. She walked daily and continued cleaning houses up until the end. She was always very loving to me and to my daughter. I remember telling her this last time that if my daughter received another card in the mail with a $20 bill in it she was going to be in big trouble! She would write little notes with the cards and I would always mean to write back but more often than not, I would not make the time. I am glad that I thought to tuck in a few pictures of my daughter to give to her this summer because I know that meant a great deal to her. So today my heart goes out to her daughter. I know Shirley is at peace now but her daughter is lost today. She found her this morning when she returned from work. My mother is headed to her house to help her make the necessary calls and to sort out the details. I know this will be a hard day for my mother as well as I am sure it will bring up a lot of painful memories from when my nana passed away - nine years ago this fall. Maybe it's because my daughter is studying the different roles/responsibilites people have but I just keep thinking about that this morning - the roles people play and the responsibilities we have to each other when we are in a relationship be it a family relationship or a friendship. We have had a handful of people emerge this past week to support us with our latest miscarriage - some are the usual suspects and a few have been quite unexpected and all of their thoughts and prayers have helped us to begin to heal. So I guess that is just the circle of life. We are blessed to have amazingly caring people in our lives who we can laugh with in the good times and cry with in the bad times and when it's their turn to do the leaning we are strong for them. So, goodbye Shirley. I will miss you.

Disappointment

I know a lot about disappointment. Let me just also say that while that is so very true, I also have an amazing family and for the most part on the day to day basis, I love my life. My disappointments have been on a pretty large scale though and I tend not to talk about them all that often. I guess I think it will lead to wallowing or self pity or will just sound like I am boo hooing. My latest disappointment is my most recent miscarriage. It started this weekend and is still going on today. This is my third in a row and I just don't know that I can go through this again. So, today I am so very sad and so very tired of getting my hopes up for what are normal expectations in life and then just having them disappointed. It makes me not want to have hopes and it makes me so confused when I look around and see so many people my age just sailing smoothly through life. I don't begrudge any of them their smooth sailing, I'd just like to experience it once in a while too.

In Constant Motion

I feel lately like our lives are in constant motion with no time for rest. We returned from NY just in time for my daughter to attend tennis camp for a week and then start school. She is attending a new school this year so there are all new routines to learn and new friends to make. It is lots of fun but also a lot of effort. I have been to more meetings in the last few months than I have probably been to since I worked. My husband and I both feel that it is important to be involved at her school and to try and develop relationships with some of the parents of her classmates and truthfully, I enjoy it - except for the meetings. So, that transition from summer to new school is taking a bit longer than I had anticipated. I am carpooling this year with one of my neighbors and that is wonderful. She likes to leave a bit earlier than I think is necessary but I can deal with that because the payoff is so great! I drive every other week in the morning and then we both pick up each day because our girls get done at different times. The car line in the afternoon is seriously ridiculous though. She is dismissed at 3:15 but I have arrived as early as 2:30 and there is always a line several cars deep. Forget about arriving at 3:15 beacuse the line wraps all the way through the parking lot and onto the very busy street. Trying to use the time productively but ultimately the waiting just feels like a waste of time.

Our house has been in the process of being painted since the week that school started (Aug.20th). We hired painters recommended by my brother and to say that it was a colossal mistake is an understatement. It was clear by the end of the second day that they were not really doing a great job and by the end of the third day (which by their standards began at 9am and ended at 1:30 with an hour break for lunch) they had ruined the shoemolding on our baseboard which ultimately all had to be replaced by my husband and had slopped paint all over my hardwood floors, baseboards, etc. Do you think they offered to pay for it or even offered an apology - ummm no! So it was clear that we could not have them do any more work in our house for fear that they would destroy the entire thing by the time they actually finished. They did not take being fired very well. Of course we had given them half of our money up front and so now we are trying to decide if it is worth the hassle to take them to court to recoup the loss. Since we fired them, I have been trying to do some of the painting myself. I have painted a bathroom, two vanities and some of the baseboard but I just can't really do any more. So, our new painter is starting tomorrow and I am very hopeful that this experience will be more positive. Unfortunatley our house has been just a mess for a month now and that is just stressful for us. Add to that a brother that has been completely unsupportive and my mother who as usual makes excuses for said brother and you get me who at this point is just so over them both!

To add to the stress, my daughter has been battling strep for over two weeks now. She came home at the end of the first full week with a fever and I promptly took her to the night hours at our pediatrician. The strep test came back positive and after a few doses she seemed back to normal. She finished the antibitic a week ago and by Friday night she again had a fever. I took her to pediatric after hours on Saturday and they tested for flu (negative) and then decided it must be antibiotic resistent strep although they were unable to test for it as she had just finished up the other antibiotic. I'm just not sure that is the right diagnosis. She has a loose front tooth that has turned gray over the past week and by Sunday was red and swollen so we headed to the dentist yesterday to see if it was absessed. Dentist thinks not but said the antibiotic could have cleared up an infection if there was one. They left the tooth and told her to keep wiggling it and to come back if it doesn't eventually fall out. She just doesn't seem right to me though and I am more than a bit concerned. She has sunken eyes, she's pale - her one eye almost looks like she has a black eye on the lid part. She doesn't have a fever though and although her appetite has not really returned, she does seem to have energy. So, for now I wait and I worry. She has such tremendous anxiety about doctors that I do not want to subject her to anything that may be unnecessary but in the back of my mind I am worried about the low white cell count she had a year ago. I know instead of worrying I should just be praying but sometimes when it comes to your children it is hard to let go of the worry!

So that is the story of the crazy hamster treadmill I find myself on these days. I am also trying to plan a trip to NYC in October for a friend's wedding, a tag along on a business trip with my husband to San Francisco in November and another trip to NY state to visit my mother for Thanksgiving with maybe a side trip to Boston. Add to that the changes my husband and I have been making to our diet over the last couple months (he has lost 40 pounds since July and I have lost 20 since August) and I just feel like I am in constant motion with more and more to do on the never ending to do list.

Off to New York

My daughter and I are off to New York tomorrow for ten days. We are going to visit with my mom, go into New York City for the day and go to the beach to see several aunts, uncles and cousins for a long weekend. I also have plans to see three or four of my BFFs from high school and college. My husband may fly up to meet us at the beach but those plans are still up in the air at this point. Busy, busy, busy!!
I am both looking forward to and dreading this trip all at the same time. I know I am trying to cram a whole lot into ten days and some of it is going to be stressful. There has been a bit of drama between one of my uncles and myself over the past six months and I am dreading seeing him at the beach. I hate a confrontation and am going to do everything in my power to avoid one but I know at best it is going to be very uncomfortable around him. So that part of the trip stinks and I think the anxiety I am feeling about that is kind of overshadowing any excitement I may have. I also feel bad because my beach portion of the trip has been cut short for many reasons (spending as little time with said uncle being only one of them) and some of my extended family members have made it known that they are upset about this fact. I have encouraged them to just enjoy us while we're there but I'm not so sure they are going to be able to let it go. Ahhh families - probably one of the reasons we moved as far south as we could.
I am looking forward to the portion of my trip that I will spend visiting with my mom and old friends. We are taking my daughter into NYC and making stops at American Girl, Dylan's Candy Bar and maybe Central Park Zoo. We are going to definately stop by the plaza again as my daughter is hoping to get a glimpse of Eloise. We were there in October and the doorman was so sweet - he went on and on about Eloise and told my daughter that we had just missed her. He answered all of her questions and made her feel as special as can be. While at American Girl my daughter will be forking over her long saved money for Rebecca Rubin, the new historical doll. I am so proud of her for working for this doll all summer and saving her allowance and birthday money(and any other money she was able to squeeze out of unsuspecting friends and relatives). We counted her money today and she has just enough. Until now, my mother has been suppying her with all of her dolls (six so far) and I thought this would be a good opportunity to work towards something that she wanted. I don't think we are going to have lunch there. We did it in October and it was cute but I think there are other places we may enjoy just as well. I'm really just curious about Dylan's and thought my daughter would get a kick out of it so we will stop there. We are going to catch up with a friend of mine quickly and then we may try to go to the zoo. That will probably be it for us and then we'll take the train home. I would like to take her to see a show but I think that's too ambitious - especially since whenever we go to the city my mother likes to be back home by dark. Don't ask me. I don't fight it because it has only been in the last six years I've gotten her to even agree to go into the city.
We are also going to be in NY on my mother's birthday so that will be fun. I'm going to make all the desserts for her celebration so that will probably take up a day. We are going to go pick plums which I think will be fun. We tried to pick apples in the fall but had a whole entourage of family members with us who were very over apple picking. They all live in NY and the novelty has worn off I guess. We've got dinners planned with friends and I intend to eat all of my favorite foods while I am there. All of the yummy things I can not get here in the south will be consumed I'm sure! Many other little activities planned too. Actually writing this is taking away much of the anxiety and now I am anticipating a good trip. Better get some sleep and print my boarding pass!

So when did we get a social life???

This is what my husband wanted to know a few minutes ago. So when DID we get a social life. I don't know. I guess we've had a social life on and off for years now but we have moved so frequently that sometimes we forget. In the past we've moved just when we've assembled a nice litle group of friends that we all enjoy. You know the kind I mean - the friends where everyone involved actually enjoys one another - you like the wife, your husband likes the husband, your kids play nice together - not the kind where you like the wife but really the others not so much and your husband reluctantly goes to a cookout at their house but you have to hear about it the whole drive over. Sometimes it takes a while to assemble a nice little group of friends. For us it seems to take about two years or so and up until now at about the two/three year point, we seem to be moving on to another city thanks to my husband's job, thus leaving behind our nicely assembled group of new friends. The good part is that we have friends that we keep in touch with from all of our old homes but the bad part is that we find ourselves without much of a social life for long stretches of time. In some ways that can be nice and we do try to make the best of it because my husband and I actually enjoy each others company (how strange is that!) and we really like our daughter (amazing) - so we do things together on the weekend like swim or play tennis or sit on the couch watching HGTV (sad but actually true) and we just relax together. At times we have even been smug about it as my brother and his wife are racing around to no less than 3 birthday parties each and every weekend followed by dinner at her parents house and some function or another with church friends. Or as my husbands sister and her husband shuttle between her parents and his and all of their required social functions - not really staying at any one long enough to enjoy any of it. We have sat back and chuckled to ourselves that we are so happy to be able to do what we enjoy with our time and not have so many social obligations. But, the truth is that I grew up in a very social family - lots of last minute cookouts; my mother's friends stopping over for coffee, neighbors coming over in the evening to sit in lawn chairs on our front lawn and watch all of the kids play, etc and I tend to miss that type of thing. So, I am never truly content until we have a full social calendar and it seems that we are once again filling up our weekends and our evenings with good friends and people we enjoy. Let's just hope that doesn't mean that we are approaching another move. I guess the one good thing about this economy is that since selling our house at this point is unlikely, we are going to be staying put for awhile. Good thing we have a social life to take our mind off of it!

It's a new day...

Today is a new day. It is not raining and there is blue in the sky. My heart feels a little less heavy as does my daughter's. I'm still feeling sad and I gave a good bit of thought to leaving the blinds drawn on that side of the house. But, I decided that we need to move on. Onward and upward. We have to let go of the past to move forward. I was going to have her write a note to her friend so there would be something waiting in the mailbox when she arrived at the new house but I decided that it was not a good idea. I am not going to bring up the friend unless she does for the next couple of days to give her heart some time to heal and her head some time to process. If you knew me, you'd think I had clearly gone off my rocker! You see, I am a talker. I talk about everything and I have always been a firm believer that in order to really work through an issue or problem it must be talked about, disected, rehashed. I was a psychology major and a counselor. It's what I do!! I listen. Everyone of my friends has called over the years with a late night problem that they needed to talk about and they needed my ear to listen so they could work it out. Then I met my husband and after him along came my daughter and they are just not talkers. For years I have thought this a bad thing. I have thought that maybe my husband wasn't really in touch with his feelings or that he was ignoring things that he needed to deal with. After almost nine years of marriage and even more years of being together, I finally realized a few months ago that while I thought he wasn't dealing with things because he wasn't talking about them, he was dealing with them in another way. Gasp!! Could there possibly be another way besides my own tried and trusted method. I think there is. Yesterday when I brought up the friend my daughter said please don't talk about her, it doesn't make it better; it makes it worse. So, I am going to respect that. I am going to keep a close eye on her and I am going to try to find things to take her mind off of the friend. Yesterday afternoon we went to Build-A-Bear and made a new friend (stuffed but a friend none-the-less) and followed that up with dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and a stop at Target where we got some school supplies. I know this is aweful but somehow Target always makes it a little bit better. Today we have a playdate scheduled with an old friend. We haven't had her over in a while and sometimes they play nice and other times they need a lot of help working out their differences. Let's hope today goes well. My daughter is super excited to play with this friend and has a tea party planned for snack time. She requested scones "because you can't have a tea party without scones, Mommy!!" Love it. She may not like to discuss her feelings but there's no denying that she's my girl!

It's so hard to say goodbye...

I have issues with change. I can freely admit this and although it is something that I have learned to put up with because, well, I have no choice in the matter, I still loathe it for the most part. Today our neighbors moved to Texas and I am having a really hard time with it. As upset as I have been about it, you would think they were my best friends in the world. They weren't. We were friends, yes, but our lives were very different and until very recently, their lives have always been super busy. We got along great and spent time together trick or treating, doing neighborly things, etc but it's not like we were sitting at each other's kitchen tables every week having coffee (or wine). But, our daughters were friends - best friends. They started playing together three years ago when they moved in and other than the occasional tiff, have been playing together nearly every day since. They would play for hours upon hours almost always at our house (they have four kids to our one so that was completely understandable). They had their first sleepover together this year, the little girl went on part of our vacation with us, she went to family parities with us, to dinner, the store, she ate at our house some weeks for nights on end. At times it was like having another child and I must say by and large, I loved it. She seemed like if not another daughter to me, then a niece. I have watched the girls grow up together and today I watched them say goodbye and it just broke my heart. There will be no more running next door to see if the other can play while I watch out the window, followed by watching them skip down the sidewalk together holding hands. No more overhearing their sweet little conversations as they work out the daily trials of their lives. It is just so sad to me. My heart breaks for what my daughter is losing and there is no way for me to fix it. She may meet another best friend, I'm sure she will but I just don't know for certain that she will have with another person what she's had with this child. So, today was a very sad day - for my little girl, for our sweet little neighbor and for me!