Monday, November 16, 2009

Waiting

Waiting is going to be the death of me. Maybe that's too dramatic. Waiting is not going to literally kill me but I think it may take away the last shred of sanity I have left. I have not been posting anything as I am waiting on something very important to me and I have not wanted to jinx it. I think that may be ridiculous thinking so I am going to put it out there and hope that it will be a way to embrace it. I am pregnant - eight weeks. While I am absolutely thrilled, I am also terrified. I have had three miscarriages and an ectopic twin loss in the last three years so pregnancy does not really bring me only joy anymore. Already in this pregnancy I have had tons of blood work done to rule out a whole host of problems - all coming up normal thankfully. I have also been on bed rest and am now on modified bed rest because I am having what they called a threatened miscarriage - some bleeding and cramping for the last two and a half weeks. Thankfully my doctor has been seeing me every week and doing ultrasounds every week to ensure that the baby still has a heartbeat and is measuring correctly. These visits have been sanity savers - although the days leading up to the visits become increasingly anxiety provoking as I worry that this might be the week when it all goes south for us. This week is really the hardest so far I think because I am starting to allow myself to be happy and to be hopeful. This is also the longest between visits as I usually go in on Mondays but this week could not get an appointment until Wednesday. This is also the latest I have had a miscarriage. My first was between 8 and 9 weeks after we had already seen a heartbeat and everything seemed to be progressing normally. That baby had a rare chromosome disorder. For some reason I feel like if I can make it through this next appointment with everything in order that maybe I will breathe a little easier. I know that I will still not be out of the woods but I will be further along than I have been so that makes me hopeful that this time will be different. So I sit and I wait until Wednesday's appointment to get reassurance that all of these weird twinges and cramps and bleeding really mean nothing and that the baby is healthy and growing as it should be. Unfortunately this modified bed rest means that I really do mostly just sit and wait. I am not a patient person and I am absolutely not a person who usually does a lot of sitting around so that alone is driving me nuts! I usually don't comply. I was an awful patient when I had my breast cancer surgeries. I was up the day after I got home from my mastectomies riding to school to pick up my daughter - not driving though as I was compliant with taking my pain pills :) I tore my chest muscle after my reconstructive surgery because I just had to put together and set up my very heavy new patio furniture before company came for the fourth of July. I just don't really like being told that I can't do things. This time I am complying as best I can because the stakes are too high. I can't risk the guilt if it doesn't go well. So here I am waiting. Until Wednesday....

1 comment:

Lisa said...

wow!!! Awesome news!!! Good luck!