To tell or not to tell...

Sorry it's been so long since I posted. Really it doesn't matter because no one other than me actually reads this blog. That is fine for me though because it means there is no pressure. I don't feel that I'm letting anyone down if I don't post regularly - and that would be a problem for me because I am real people pleaser. I was just talking with a good friend about the whole issue of who (or is it whom - wish I had paid more attention in English class) to tell about your blog. She is one of my real life friends and we don't live in the same city anymore so I love being able to follow her life via her blog. She has recently found though that she is censoring herself at times because she doesn't necessaruly want everyone in her personal life knowing all of her business so to speak - not me of course! I haven't told any of my real life people about my blog - not even my husband. I'm not sure why really other than I just want this for me and I don't want to censor myself. If I need to vent about someone in my life I want to be able to do it here without hurting anyone's feelings. I want to be able to express how I really am doing and if people I knew were reading this I think I'd tend to be less honest. I like to always present a rosy picture. I don't want everyone to know when I am not feeling great or when I am having a lot of anxiety about this cancer business. I just want people to think that I am the same happy person I have always been before all of this and of course because I don't want to end up in the padded room I realize I need to get the real feelings out somewhere so for now I'm not announcing to my real world that I have this blog. How about you guys (maybe there actually is one person out there reading this) - is your blog known to your friends and family?

Car Pool

We live almost 30 minutes from my daughter's school so I feel like I am either in the car or trying to kill time a lot during the school year. This is the first time she is going five days a week too so I really have been dreading this daily commute. My husband and I have thought about moving closer and would really like to do that but unfortunately we bought our house only 2 1/2 years ago at the height of the market. Soooo, in light of the current housing slump we will be staying right where we are for a while and doing a lot of driving back and forth. Luckily for me I will doing a lot less driving this year though thanks to my new car pool. I am so excited about it. This is my week to drive and already I'm far more productive than I have ever been before. I got the kiddies to school with a few minutes to spare even. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home, got in and out really quickly. Came home, touched up some spots on the walls downstairs that I had primed this weekend. Then I went upstairs and painted all of the cutout in the new bonus room (that's a whole other post). I also decided that I hate the color we painted the accent wall last night. I ate lunch, I put away groceries, I swapped over some laundry, I took out the dogs, I talked to a friend, I emptied the dishwasher, I even had a bit of time to watch The View and write this blog. I still have another 45 minutes or so before I have to leave to pick up the kids. Just imagine how much I'll get done on the days I don't have to drive. Love it!!

In other news, I watched Stand Up 2 Cancer last night (I had taped it from Friday night) and I thought it was wonderful. I heard today on the radio that it has raised 100 million dollars so far to fight cancer. I think it has potential to be so powerful. One of the people they profiled on the show was someone who was diagnosed with Stage IV, her2 positive breast cancer only three years ago I think and she was given 2 months to live. She became part of a clinical trial for Herceptin and she is still here today thanks to this drug. Fast forward just a very few years and Herceptin is the standard of care for her2 positive patients. Just think how many people still have their mothers, their wives, their daughters because of this one drug. One of those people taking herceptin today is my aunt who is a wonderful mother, a wife, a social worker, a vibrant woman who is such a gift to this world and I am so glad that this drug is now available to help her fight her battle with breast cancer. The money we put into cancer research can mean very real results in our lifetime, in just a matter of years, months in some cases. With 1 of every 2 men, 1 of every 3 women getting cancer; 1 of every 8 women getting breast cancer it is very naive to think that it won't hit close to home at some point in our lives if it hasn't already. How much would it mean to you to have the drug or the technology available when you need it? I know I am thankful that my diagnosis ocurred now instead of ten years ago. The type of surgery I had wasn't even available just a few years ago and it still isn't the standard of care - many doctors aren't even doing it yet. Where we put our philanthropy dollars really does matter and it is something I didn't realize until cancer came knocking on my door. I know I got a lot out of the Stand Up 2 Cancer special and I hope others did too. So, now I'll step down off of my soap box. I'm not usually very preachy but I do get fired up about this. Well, I better go enjoy my last few minutes of quiet before I have to go pick up the kindergarteners.

Kindergarten

My baby started kindergarten on Tuesday. I am so happy for her but just so sad about the whole thing at the same time. I cried my eyes out in bed on Monday night and I barely kept it together through the drop off on Tuesday morning. Since then the week just feels kind of weird - not horrible but just off somehow. I have really enjoyed being home with her the last five years and kindergarten is the end of that part of our lives. I know we'll have summers and school breaks but I just don't think there's going to be much time to do all of the other things that we like to do together. Don't get me wrong - I am enjoying the time with my other mommy friends who are in the same boat. I went to breakfast with a group on Tuesday, to lunch with my husband on Wednesday and to lunch with a couple friends today and it was nice. I've been to the mall and actually got to go in to the stores I wanted to visit. I even came home today but my cleaning lady was here this morning so I wasn't here by myself and we chatted quite a bit. I think I'm a little wary of being home alone without my daughter and with all of my thoughts but I am going to try it. My husband joked yesterday that now I can be a lady who lunches. I have a friend from college that started working part time from home a few years ago shortly after she married and when she did that she said "It's not like I want to be a lady who lunches or anything". Madison was a newborn at the time and I responded that I did want to be a lady who lunches and she fessed up that she secretly wanted to be one too but that it just sounded so aweful. So my husband and I have joked about it since. I know that's not all that I am but maybe this week that's all I am aspiring to.
In other news, we decide to take two bedrooms and turn them into a bonus room and we started this past weekend. So, I thought it would be completely done by the end of the long weekend but that isn't the case. I have stuff EVERYWHERE!! All the crap (and I do mean crap) from those two rooms has been split among the other three rooms upstairs and it is driving me mad. I need to go order the flooring tomorrow and depending on how long that takes it shouldn't be long before it is done. I also need to pick paint. I really wish there were people who read my blog because I could use some help in this department. I have no idea what to do with the room. I liked a lot of what Tori Spelling did in their house. Of course my husband said I'm a big dork for watching her show but I was really hooked. Well, I better get to bed. I have a big day tomorrow involving dropping off my kindergartener at school, going to a volunteer meeting and then to a friend's house for coffee - hmmm no lunch plans yet!!

Cooking can cure the blues

One of the things I have missed over the last 7 months or so is cooking. When friends started bringing meals I was just so thankful not to have to even worry about what to feed my family. I had so much else to deal with that it was a blessing to have dinner taken care of. After a while I was just thankful that we were able to have a good meal because I was physically unable to cook. I was working on lifting my arms above my head (a slow process) and I wasn't able to really lift anything. All of my dishes are in the upper cabinets and the food is in the pantry some of it on high shelves and even a pot of water was heavier than I could carry. So even when I tried it just became a painful and frustrating endeavor for me. Thankfully I didn't need to try very often because we had friends stopping by every other night with dinner for maybe a month and a half. A group of my mommy friends also worked a deal with a local make & take place to fill my freezer with enough dinners for months to come so all I really need to do is decide what to have for dinner and put it in the oven. The company allowed them to pay for one months of meals and get one month free. The next month they let people come in and for every meal they made for themselves the company gave them the same meal for my family - so generous. I really need to write them a thank you note. I have definately been telling everyone I know about it because there are a few of these types of businesses around and the other one wasn't willing to even waive the preassembly fee. I was a regular customer at that business I might add so that was disappointing. So, my huge upright freezer is completely full and I really probably wouldn't need to "cook" a meal until the end of October sometime if I didn't want to. So that brings me to the point of this post (I know I am long winded - you should have seen my phonebills back in the days before the flatrate). Even though I don't have to cook right now I am finding myself wanting to cook and for me that's a good thing. It is helping to get me out of this funk I have found myself in. It is giving me a purpose for the day. I have something that I am going to do with each day other than wallow in how much I've been through and how much I am afraid something else is going to happen. I think it is bringing me closer to my new normal. I have always loved to cook and in recent years I have been sticking to tried and true favorites - things I know we'll all eat and things that I feel comfortable making. Now I'm feeling a little inspired to try some new things - maybe they'll be good or maybe we'll be tossing them in the trash and ordering pizza but so what. We could end up with a new family favorite. I know, I know - how sad. I've faced cancer and the biggest risk I am going to take is with a new recipe. For me for now that's where I'm at - who knows maybe I'll be sky diving next year this time (I highly doubt that). I must say that I was inspired to cook by reading blogs. There's a mom of one of my daughter's classmates that has a cooking blog about the different recipes she has tried and I've been reading that and linking to other blogs about cooking and it has really reminded me that I do love to cook. I don't look at it as a chore but rather I get a little excited about cooking something potentially great. I love the planning involved and thinking about what I could pair different dishes with and the parties I could serve the food at if it's great. I love the pictures all of those blogs have of their food too. I don't know that I will actually be doing that here but I may take some photos and make a recipe book out of the keepers. So cooking may be the way to a man's heart but it just might also be a way to cure the blues (of course if we gain a ton of weight from all these delicious meals I may be posting about the blues again)!

We're all alone now

We have been so blessed to have a family that loves us and is able to come and help my family through all we have been through this year. My mother has been an absolute saint. She has been here off and on since the end of January to help take care of me and my family. She has watched my daughter and taken care of her so that this whole ordeal wasn't quite as bad as it could have been for her. She has done my laundry, cleaned my house, grocery shopped, cooked, cleaned my pool, attended playdates... you name it she has done it. My aunt came to help right after my first surgery, changing my dressings and helping me to bathe. She came back a few weeks later with my uncle and helped some more. My mother in law was here for a few days and helped me get some things in order around my house so they would be accessible when everyone was gone. We had family here in June for my daughter's birthday and again in July for the fourth. We had a few friends visit too over the last few months checking in on our mental state I'm sure and trying to brighten our day. My mom was just back for three weeks for my last surgery. We've had friends bringing us meals off and on since March. My college friends have been sending flowers and packages every week for nearly three months. We have just been so overwhelmed with the caring and generosity from so many people and it has really helped us to get through this ordeal with cancer and with losing the babies. And now it's over. No more visits, no more dinners and I know it is not true but it almost feels like no more support. It is scary. I haven't been on my own for so many months that I'm not really sure what to so with myself. I am still limited in what I can do (no lifting more than 5 pounds) so I think that doesn't help the situation. There are many projects that I'd like to tackle around the house but I just physically can't do them right now so I feel like I am left with my thoughts. Up to this point I had so much going on that it was easy to block out my thoughts. I had doctors appointments and surgeries and more doctor appointments and family and friends here to keep my mind off of the reality. Now I don't have that and I need to find a way to deal with the thoughts and fears but not let them take over my life. I also need to find the rhythm of my life again. I'm not sure that it is going to be the same as it was before. My daughter will be starting kindergarten in a few weeks so she won't be with me everyday so that in itself will be a huge change for me (one I am not looking forward to I might add). I promise (or at least I hope) that this blog is not going to be just one huge whine fest. I guess I just have a lot of whine going on on the inside right now. I have been so uber positive through this whole ordeal and I'm just not feeling that way these days. I think the real me lies somewhere in the middle. So today is the first day without someone here in a long time. The whole day is in front of me and I have no plans and it feels kind of sad. I have been watching the weather channel to see if we will be getting pummeled with Hurricane Fay and the latest report seems to suggest that we will be spared - just a lot of rain for Tampa. My daugher would like to go to the new playground they have built in our neighborhood so I think we may head over there for about an hour or so and then we'll come back for lunch. If the weather holds out maybe she can swim some this afternoon. Guess I better get a move on this day.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life (hahaha). That is so cliche and I know it but that is kind of how I feel this morning. It has been such a long year for me healthwise and yesterday was my exchange surgery so I feel that marked the end of the health issues. I still have doctors appointments and follow up from this surgery but the bulk of what needs to be done to my body to make it whole again is over - for now. It's the "for now" that unfortunately is part of my new normal. The anxiety that I had never really experienced before. That looking over your shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling that accompanies me in all that I do. That realization that I am not special and that at any moment the rug could be pulled out from under me and my life as I know it can be violently shaken. The realization that I can die; that I can leave my daughter and my husband and my mother, brother, neice, everyone I love to grieve me changing their lives forever. That part of my new normal is just so aweful but it is what it is and right now that is part of who I am and what I think about on a daily basis. I am hoping this blog for me will be more of a journal to let me get out my feelings and my fears so that I can make way for something better that can be part of my new normal. I have to make some good of all of this so I guess I am going to try new things and see what fits. I have also realized that I need to slow down and take care of me. Wow - that's big. If I'm not healthy I am no good to anyone.