We're all alone now

We have been so blessed to have a family that loves us and is able to come and help my family through all we have been through this year. My mother has been an absolute saint. She has been here off and on since the end of January to help take care of me and my family. She has watched my daughter and taken care of her so that this whole ordeal wasn't quite as bad as it could have been for her. She has done my laundry, cleaned my house, grocery shopped, cooked, cleaned my pool, attended playdates... you name it she has done it. My aunt came to help right after my first surgery, changing my dressings and helping me to bathe. She came back a few weeks later with my uncle and helped some more. My mother in law was here for a few days and helped me get some things in order around my house so they would be accessible when everyone was gone. We had family here in June for my daughter's birthday and again in July for the fourth. We had a few friends visit too over the last few months checking in on our mental state I'm sure and trying to brighten our day. My mom was just back for three weeks for my last surgery. We've had friends bringing us meals off and on since March. My college friends have been sending flowers and packages every week for nearly three months. We have just been so overwhelmed with the caring and generosity from so many people and it has really helped us to get through this ordeal with cancer and with losing the babies. And now it's over. No more visits, no more dinners and I know it is not true but it almost feels like no more support. It is scary. I haven't been on my own for so many months that I'm not really sure what to so with myself. I am still limited in what I can do (no lifting more than 5 pounds) so I think that doesn't help the situation. There are many projects that I'd like to tackle around the house but I just physically can't do them right now so I feel like I am left with my thoughts. Up to this point I had so much going on that it was easy to block out my thoughts. I had doctors appointments and surgeries and more doctor appointments and family and friends here to keep my mind off of the reality. Now I don't have that and I need to find a way to deal with the thoughts and fears but not let them take over my life. I also need to find the rhythm of my life again. I'm not sure that it is going to be the same as it was before. My daughter will be starting kindergarten in a few weeks so she won't be with me everyday so that in itself will be a huge change for me (one I am not looking forward to I might add). I promise (or at least I hope) that this blog is not going to be just one huge whine fest. I guess I just have a lot of whine going on on the inside right now. I have been so uber positive through this whole ordeal and I'm just not feeling that way these days. I think the real me lies somewhere in the middle. So today is the first day without someone here in a long time. The whole day is in front of me and I have no plans and it feels kind of sad. I have been watching the weather channel to see if we will be getting pummeled with Hurricane Fay and the latest report seems to suggest that we will be spared - just a lot of rain for Tampa. My daugher would like to go to the new playground they have built in our neighborhood so I think we may head over there for about an hour or so and then we'll come back for lunch. If the weather holds out maybe she can swim some this afternoon. Guess I better get a move on this day.