Fall

I am fully aware that most of the people in my life have been experiencing the beauty of fall for weeks now but down here in Florida we have just had one hot day after another. Until today that is. The weather people have been telling us for days that this week will turn cooler so I knew it was coming but I guess I just didn't expect it to be so absolutely wonderful. This morning when I opened my patio door to let the dogs out a rush of cool air blew in and greeted me and I felt new again. I know that sounds ridiculous but that is how it feels. I love, love, love the fall and even though we don't have the gorgeous color changes going on here I can see it in my mind and know that I will be home in a week and a half to see it in person. October has some wonderful memories for me and it is also the month of my wedding anniversary - 9 years. So, today I plan to enjoy this wonderful weather while it lasts and take my daughter to the park after school.

Goodbye Shirley

My mother called me this morning to let me know that a very sweet family friend passed away this morning. Have you ever gotten together with someone and felt when you parted that it might be the last time you saw them? That was the way it was for me when I saw Shirley this summer at my mother's birthday party. She was 80+ years old but that wasn't really what made it think I may not see her again. It was the look in her eyes. She was there but she wasn't really. Her spirit just didn't seem in the game. She had developed diabetes over the last couple of years but other than that was a very healthy lady. She walked daily and continued cleaning houses up until the end. She was always very loving to me and to my daughter. I remember telling her this last time that if my daughter received another card in the mail with a $20 bill in it she was going to be in big trouble! She would write little notes with the cards and I would always mean to write back but more often than not, I would not make the time. I am glad that I thought to tuck in a few pictures of my daughter to give to her this summer because I know that meant a great deal to her. So today my heart goes out to her daughter. I know Shirley is at peace now but her daughter is lost today. She found her this morning when she returned from work. My mother is headed to her house to help her make the necessary calls and to sort out the details. I know this will be a hard day for my mother as well as I am sure it will bring up a lot of painful memories from when my nana passed away - nine years ago this fall. Maybe it's because my daughter is studying the different roles/responsibilites people have but I just keep thinking about that this morning - the roles people play and the responsibilities we have to each other when we are in a relationship be it a family relationship or a friendship. We have had a handful of people emerge this past week to support us with our latest miscarriage - some are the usual suspects and a few have been quite unexpected and all of their thoughts and prayers have helped us to begin to heal. So I guess that is just the circle of life. We are blessed to have amazingly caring people in our lives who we can laugh with in the good times and cry with in the bad times and when it's their turn to do the leaning we are strong for them. So, goodbye Shirley. I will miss you.

Disappointment

I know a lot about disappointment. Let me just also say that while that is so very true, I also have an amazing family and for the most part on the day to day basis, I love my life. My disappointments have been on a pretty large scale though and I tend not to talk about them all that often. I guess I think it will lead to wallowing or self pity or will just sound like I am boo hooing. My latest disappointment is my most recent miscarriage. It started this weekend and is still going on today. This is my third in a row and I just don't know that I can go through this again. So, today I am so very sad and so very tired of getting my hopes up for what are normal expectations in life and then just having them disappointed. It makes me not want to have hopes and it makes me so confused when I look around and see so many people my age just sailing smoothly through life. I don't begrudge any of them their smooth sailing, I'd just like to experience it once in a while too.

In Constant Motion

I feel lately like our lives are in constant motion with no time for rest. We returned from NY just in time for my daughter to attend tennis camp for a week and then start school. She is attending a new school this year so there are all new routines to learn and new friends to make. It is lots of fun but also a lot of effort. I have been to more meetings in the last few months than I have probably been to since I worked. My husband and I both feel that it is important to be involved at her school and to try and develop relationships with some of the parents of her classmates and truthfully, I enjoy it - except for the meetings. So, that transition from summer to new school is taking a bit longer than I had anticipated. I am carpooling this year with one of my neighbors and that is wonderful. She likes to leave a bit earlier than I think is necessary but I can deal with that because the payoff is so great! I drive every other week in the morning and then we both pick up each day because our girls get done at different times. The car line in the afternoon is seriously ridiculous though. She is dismissed at 3:15 but I have arrived as early as 2:30 and there is always a line several cars deep. Forget about arriving at 3:15 beacuse the line wraps all the way through the parking lot and onto the very busy street. Trying to use the time productively but ultimately the waiting just feels like a waste of time.

Our house has been in the process of being painted since the week that school started (Aug.20th). We hired painters recommended by my brother and to say that it was a colossal mistake is an understatement. It was clear by the end of the second day that they were not really doing a great job and by the end of the third day (which by their standards began at 9am and ended at 1:30 with an hour break for lunch) they had ruined the shoemolding on our baseboard which ultimately all had to be replaced by my husband and had slopped paint all over my hardwood floors, baseboards, etc. Do you think they offered to pay for it or even offered an apology - ummm no! So it was clear that we could not have them do any more work in our house for fear that they would destroy the entire thing by the time they actually finished. They did not take being fired very well. Of course we had given them half of our money up front and so now we are trying to decide if it is worth the hassle to take them to court to recoup the loss. Since we fired them, I have been trying to do some of the painting myself. I have painted a bathroom, two vanities and some of the baseboard but I just can't really do any more. So, our new painter is starting tomorrow and I am very hopeful that this experience will be more positive. Unfortunatley our house has been just a mess for a month now and that is just stressful for us. Add to that a brother that has been completely unsupportive and my mother who as usual makes excuses for said brother and you get me who at this point is just so over them both!

To add to the stress, my daughter has been battling strep for over two weeks now. She came home at the end of the first full week with a fever and I promptly took her to the night hours at our pediatrician. The strep test came back positive and after a few doses she seemed back to normal. She finished the antibitic a week ago and by Friday night she again had a fever. I took her to pediatric after hours on Saturday and they tested for flu (negative) and then decided it must be antibiotic resistent strep although they were unable to test for it as she had just finished up the other antibiotic. I'm just not sure that is the right diagnosis. She has a loose front tooth that has turned gray over the past week and by Sunday was red and swollen so we headed to the dentist yesterday to see if it was absessed. Dentist thinks not but said the antibiotic could have cleared up an infection if there was one. They left the tooth and told her to keep wiggling it and to come back if it doesn't eventually fall out. She just doesn't seem right to me though and I am more than a bit concerned. She has sunken eyes, she's pale - her one eye almost looks like she has a black eye on the lid part. She doesn't have a fever though and although her appetite has not really returned, she does seem to have energy. So, for now I wait and I worry. She has such tremendous anxiety about doctors that I do not want to subject her to anything that may be unnecessary but in the back of my mind I am worried about the low white cell count she had a year ago. I know instead of worrying I should just be praying but sometimes when it comes to your children it is hard to let go of the worry!

So that is the story of the crazy hamster treadmill I find myself on these days. I am also trying to plan a trip to NYC in October for a friend's wedding, a tag along on a business trip with my husband to San Francisco in November and another trip to NY state to visit my mother for Thanksgiving with maybe a side trip to Boston. Add to that the changes my husband and I have been making to our diet over the last couple months (he has lost 40 pounds since July and I have lost 20 since August) and I just feel like I am in constant motion with more and more to do on the never ending to do list.