Thankful

Disney was fun. Not as magical as last year but still fun. I'm not sure what it was that made it less than last year. Could be that nothing can top the first time. Could be that I am usually the one driving the bus so to speak and that wasn't really happening with me in the wheelchair. I felt like more of a spectator than a participant most of the night. Could be that Disney has had some budget cuts and things were really not up to their normal standards and it was noticeable. I think if you don't go much you might not notice the differences but we certainly thought that the quality of just about everything was not up to their usual standards - sad. Nonetheless, we still had fun and my daughter had a blast which is all that really matters.

We are off to New York tomorrow for Thanksgiving and I am really excited. I am looking forward to seeing my mom, watching the parade, eating the Thanksgiving meal -all of it. I am thankful that some family members will not be in attendance this year so there will be no holiday drama for a change. Wish we could take Madison into the city to see the parade but that will have to wait for another year. I am lucky the doctor agreed to let me go at all and I was not about to push my luck. I'm really not up for that anyway and I don't see a wheelchair working out too well for me at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I think it would be like at Disney where I really ended up watching the behinds of all the people standing in front of me - not pretty!! I am hoping to see some friends from high school while I am home and my aunt, uncle and cousins on the weekend. Good times. So thankful for all of them. Thankful for another year of good health. Thankful for this pregnancy. Lots and lots to be thankful for and I'm glad that this time of year makes me stop and count my blessings. I think I am focused more on Thanksgiving than usual. Generally I am busy plotting how I am going to fit in all the decking of the halls, and the shopping and the baking and all things Christmas. This year I'm just not that into Christmas yet. Gasp! If you knew me you would know that this has never happened. I still wake up at about 4am on Christmas morning and can barely contain my excitement. I just want to get everyone up and tear into the presents and just savor every last minute of the day. I love, love, love Christmas but this year not so much - at least not yet. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families.

Off to Disney

We're off to Disney World today. We are only about an hour away and it really is one of the big benefits of living in Florida. We have come to love it there - even my husband. He was converted last Christmas when we went to Micky's Merry Christmas Party. It was just such a great night. That's what we are doing tonight. I'm hoping it is as wonderful as last year. The three of us just had so much fun. This year I will be traveling in a wheelchair. It was either agree to the wheelchair or stay home so I agreed. Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that they actually will have one available. Apparently they are rented on a first come, first served basis and since this is a night event I am a little worried that we may not get one. Not sure what I'll do at that point. I guess just sit at the rental counter and hope that someone returns one. Now as much as I enjoy Disney World, I have not resorted to wearing character clothing. I just don't get that fashion statement. A few of our neighbors in Charlotte were disney wearing women and I always found it odd. I thought maybe it was because they had children (at the time we did not) and the urge might hit once I did too. Thankfully that was not the case. No offense if you do sport disney apparel, it's just not for me.

It's All Good

Yesterday's appointment went well. The baby's heartbeat is strong and the measurements were good. The baby was measuring a little big (9 weeks 1 day instead of 8 weeks 3 days) but the doctor said he is not concerned about that. We were using the older machine which apparently has a bigger margin for error. I'm still on modified bed rest with no lifting, no exercise & no nookie. I'm a little concerned about not exercising (I think my husband is a little concerned about the no nookie!). I just lost all that weight (30 pounds) and although I obviously know I will be gaining it all back with the pregnancy, I would like to be able to stay somewhat fit. I gained 70+ pounds when I had my daughter and it was not pretty at all. For now I am just trying to eat as healthy as I can and trying to embrace the baby belly that is already beginning to emerge. My daughter nearly peed her pants the other day laughing at my belly - lovely! My daughter, by the way, is NOT happy about this baby business. She has come to the point where she likes being an only child and does not want that to change. I am hoping she comes around by the time the baby arrives but I guess she'll get used to it soon enough. I actually feel relaxed about this pregnancy for the first time since we found out about a month ago. So of course now I am concerned with all the other non important details that are suddenly more important - like the fact that I have nothing to wear. I lost the weight and I bought a couple things but I was still losing weight so I didn't want to buy much. Well, now I don't have anything that fits. I only have a few things in the new size and they fit but are getting a little snug in the waist. I thought maybe I could just wear my old clothes that are in the bigger sizes but that are all way too big still so for now I am in a bind. I don't really think I need to start wearing maternity clothes yet but I don't want to go buy more clothes in the new size because I am rapidly outgrowing them. What to do, what to do..... I also don't even know where to go for maternity clothes now. I know there are lots of stores that carry maternity now - unfortunately the doctor declared the mall strictly off limits - too much walking. So I guess it's internet shopping for me but I much prefer to buy clothes that I can see and touch.

Waiting

Waiting is going to be the death of me. Maybe that's too dramatic. Waiting is not going to literally kill me but I think it may take away the last shred of sanity I have left. I have not been posting anything as I am waiting on something very important to me and I have not wanted to jinx it. I think that may be ridiculous thinking so I am going to put it out there and hope that it will be a way to embrace it. I am pregnant - eight weeks. While I am absolutely thrilled, I am also terrified. I have had three miscarriages and an ectopic twin loss in the last three years so pregnancy does not really bring me only joy anymore. Already in this pregnancy I have had tons of blood work done to rule out a whole host of problems - all coming up normal thankfully. I have also been on bed rest and am now on modified bed rest because I am having what they called a threatened miscarriage - some bleeding and cramping for the last two and a half weeks. Thankfully my doctor has been seeing me every week and doing ultrasounds every week to ensure that the baby still has a heartbeat and is measuring correctly. These visits have been sanity savers - although the days leading up to the visits become increasingly anxiety provoking as I worry that this might be the week when it all goes south for us. This week is really the hardest so far I think because I am starting to allow myself to be happy and to be hopeful. This is also the longest between visits as I usually go in on Mondays but this week could not get an appointment until Wednesday. This is also the latest I have had a miscarriage. My first was between 8 and 9 weeks after we had already seen a heartbeat and everything seemed to be progressing normally. That baby had a rare chromosome disorder. For some reason I feel like if I can make it through this next appointment with everything in order that maybe I will breathe a little easier. I know that I will still not be out of the woods but I will be further along than I have been so that makes me hopeful that this time will be different. So I sit and I wait until Wednesday's appointment to get reassurance that all of these weird twinges and cramps and bleeding really mean nothing and that the baby is healthy and growing as it should be. Unfortunately this modified bed rest means that I really do mostly just sit and wait. I am not a patient person and I am absolutely not a person who usually does a lot of sitting around so that alone is driving me nuts! I usually don't comply. I was an awful patient when I had my breast cancer surgeries. I was up the day after I got home from my mastectomies riding to school to pick up my daughter - not driving though as I was compliant with taking my pain pills :) I tore my chest muscle after my reconstructive surgery because I just had to put together and set up my very heavy new patio furniture before company came for the fourth of July. I just don't really like being told that I can't do things. This time I am complying as best I can because the stakes are too high. I can't risk the guilt if it doesn't go well. So here I am waiting. Until Wednesday....

UGHHH!!

Do you ever have those days when just about every single person you encounter annoys you? I am having one of those today. I got a call from my co-room rep this morning and to say that I don't really like her and that we are not working well together would be an understatement. I am trying to find at least one redeeming quality but so far am coming up with nothing. This is hard for me because I actually like most people (granted I like most people in small doses but still that counts). I went to a Dr appt this morning and he really aggravated me. I needed to get bloodwork drawn by noon if I was going to get it done today or I have to wait until Saturday morning and of course I didn't get out of the doctor's appt until 11:55. So I was annoyed by that too. I had lunch with a great friend that I have not seen in a few months and she kind of got on my nerves. I spoke to my mom, my brother and my aunt today and they all sort of irritated me. We are trying to put together a deal on another house and our real estate agent is getting on my last nerve. My daughter came home with her report card and I ended up being annoyed with the teacher because I don't understand where she came up with her grades. She actually did very well but she had better grades in all of the math but the one I thought she was doing pretty well with and she didn't do as well as I thought she should have done in reading. I really think she may have mixed up the grades somehow - annoying!! Truly the only people that I enjoyed today are my husband and my daughter. Now that is a change from the ordinary. I can usually muster up a smile and lots of grace for everyone BUT my immediate family. I am thinking it probably wasn't that all of these people are annoying. I think a few of the above mentioned are just very very annoying and so they are ruining it for everyone else today.

NYC, Stress & Relief

We were in NYC this weekend for a wedding. I have been friends with the groom since we were both 12 years old. For a while after college we lived down the street from each other in Federal Hill. We've had so much fun over the years. One of our mutual friends was the best man and in his speech he said that when you are with Josh you always get to do the best stuff. That is so true. He is the kind of guy that absolutely always knows where & how to have the best time. He has an unending supply of energy and he is a fabulous friend. If you are his friend he treats you better than any other friend you will have. I don't even get a chance to talk to him much at all anymore but he definitely always makes me feel as if no time has passed. He called me to tell me when he got engaged. When he found out I had had cancer he scolded me for not letting him know while I was going through it so that he could have helped. He told me that I was a fool for moving in with my boyfriend (now husband) when I moved to Baltimore - maybe he was wrong on that one! The point is, he is the type of friend that everyone needs. He loves you through it all and he is not afraid to speak up and hurt your feelings every once in a while if he thinks you are doing something you are going to regret. He's brutally honest and I love that - so hard to find in a friend. So, of course his wedding was THE BEST! It really was one of the best weddings I have ever been to. Very, very nice - probably cost more than my first house but that is not really what made it the best. The band was fantastic - they played all the right songs at the right time and everyone was dancing all night. The food was great, service impeccable but what really made it a top ten wedding was the bride & groom. They were so totally in love but not in an annoying and sappy way. Josh was happier than I have ever seen him and the way his wife looked at him was just beyond words. I have been in weddings in the past where even as all of the bridesmaids were lined up to go down the isle we were discussing what a big mistake it was. Most of those marriages have not ended well I'm afraid. Anyway, it was a great time and they make a great couple.

We brought my daughter out to my mom's house for the night so we could go to the wedding and she had a nice time visiting with Nannie. On Saturday we took her ice skating in Rockefeller Plaza and to see Mary Poppins. She loved the ice skating and did so well, especially considering it was her first time. Actually ice skating was probably the highlight of the day. Mary Poppins was okay but I must admit I had a hard time staying awake. I don't think that reflects on the show - just on how little sleep I have been getting lately. We also hit American Girl again this trip but this time was much quicker - in and out. We bought a birthday gift for a friend and two things for my daughter. She has not been playing with her dolls as much since our neighbor moved this summer. It was something they did together daily and I think it makes her a little sad to do without her. I am hoping that changes especially since my mother bought her Kit's tree house for Christmas. We also went to a fantastic place for dinner on Friday night - Pepolino. It's in Tribeca & the food, service, atmosphere - everything was just wonderful. The woman who owns it is super nice and we had a wonderful meal and a great time that night at dinner (and a little too much wine). It was a little pricey but definitely worth it.

I've been a bit stressed out lately. I don't usually feel very stressed about much and I really don't like feeling this way. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and I think I have over committed myself. I backed out today of my daughter's school auction. I don't generally do that. If I commit to something I follow through regardless of how crazy I get. In truth, I sometimes thrive on the craziness. After the first meeting I found myself just really dreading it. They had volunteered me to chair a subcommittee when in fact I had only volunteered to be on the committee and they had me working something the night of the auction. In the end, one of my commitments needed to go and since this is the one I am looking least forward to it went. I am also feeling a lot of stress over a situation that I can not actually talk about just yet but I will say that it is not health related and it something that is either going to be the best thing we've ever done or it is going to be an absolute disaster - nightmare!! There is no in the middle with this and there will be a lot of uncertainty before we get to the end so I am going to have to find a way to deal with this stress.

Breast cancer awareness month is also stressing me out. I feel like I can not escape it. It is everywhere. I remember wondering if there would ever be a time where cancer did not occupy nearly every one of my thoughts. I have reached that time. I think about cancer every day and I examine my reconstructed breasts every day. I do worry more about my health now than before too but I do not live in constant fear and worry anymore. Cancer for the moment does not have a stronghold on my life like it did. The problem with the pink ribbons everywhere is that although it is good to make people aware of breast cancer, it has become almost ridiculous and it is something that a lot of cancer survivors have a difficult time seeing. I do not need to be reminded of it. I am a breast cancer survivor just the same as I am right handed and have brown eyes. It is a part of who I am and I know it influences the way I live my life but it doesn't control it anymore. I know the pink ribbons bring in money for research but at times it feels like all of the breast cancer survivors are being "pimped out" - exploited in order to make money. Many of the products with the pink ribbons give maybe 2 cents per purchase to breast cancer. I don't know it just seems way out of balance and I for one will be glad when the month is over and I can buy a yogurt or a box of tissues without a pink ribbon on it. I do donate to breast cancer causes but I research them and try to ensure that my donations are getting put towards something that will make a real difference. I do believe that the message is out there though about early detection and maybe we have the pink ribbons to thank for that. I suppose if it helps one woman find her tumor early enough to save her life than it is worth me having to see the ribbons everywhere and feeling crappy. I did get a call yesterday afternoon from a woman I know who had a mammo that showed some areas of calcification. She was scheduled to go to have a biopsy done today. I have not heard from her today and I am really hoping she is okay. She is a nurse and she seems to think based on what they have told her that more than likely she is not fine. Her twin boys went to Pre-K and Kindergarten with my daughter and her husband is one of my husband's competitors. We traveled together quite a bit last year because we both took the kids out of school and tagged along on some of the husbands' business trips. It was really nice to have someone to spend time with on these trips and to have someone for the kids to play with. She also has a 9 year old daughter who is just super sweet and after our trips I found a little note in my daughter's room expressing her love for one of the twins. So, I am anxious to get her call but I'm sure she probably doesn't have any news and won't until the biopsy results come back. Maybe I'll call after the weekend to schedule a playdate with the boys and give her some time to herself.

As for relief - I heard some news today about a fellow blogger whom I consider a friend which I know is kind of ridiculous because even though I have been reading her blog for a while I really don't know her nor she me - maybe that is just the world of blogging. Anyway, she was facing a breast cancer scare and she found out today that she is fine. I can not tell you how relieved I was to read that. I keep getting choked up about it every time I think about her. I am just so relieved.

Daisys

What have I gotten myself into??? I am beginning to think that I am incapable of saying no. I wanted my daughter to be involved with girl scouts. All of her friends started a month or so ago with their troops through their schools but we had not received anything from her school. A few weeks ago I learned that there are troops that meet at our school but they are apparently full with children returning from last year. I was not really happy about that. It is our first year and I know there are several other new families as well and given the opportunity I believe we would probably have had enough children for a new group.... but I digress. When I didn't think there was a troop at her school I contacted the girl scout council and inquired about a troop closer to our home. When I heard back the woman asked if I would volunteer to help with the troop and I got the impression that without this help, there would not be a troop for my daughter to join so I said yes. So fast forward to tonight's meeting (which I almost missed because I thought it was being held tomorrow) and I am now the leader with a co-leader of a group of about 12 girls. Oh and by the way, I had to lead tonight's meeting with the moms. Hellooo... I don't know ANYTHING about this. There is a meeting about it all tomorrow night and I will be attending that as well. Maybe it would have been helpful to have that meeting tonight and tonight's meeting tomorrow - I'm just saying. On the upside, my daughter is sooo excited about being a daisy and she met some nice girls tonight. To tell the truth I am a wee-bit excited about the whole thing too. It sounds like it is going to be some definate work but I think it is also going to be a whole lot of fun. When I called my husband on the way home his question to me was, "Can't you ever just be a participant" - followed by a good, long laugh. I don't think I can just be the mom that drops off and I know there will be times when I am kicking myself for committing to so many (so, so many) things but for the most part I have a lot of fun with it all.