Fall

I am fully aware that most of the people in my life have been experiencing the beauty of fall for weeks now but down here in Florida we have just had one hot day after another. Until today that is. The weather people have been telling us for days that this week will turn cooler so I knew it was coming but I guess I just didn't expect it to be so absolutely wonderful. This morning when I opened my patio door to let the dogs out a rush of cool air blew in and greeted me and I felt new again. I know that sounds ridiculous but that is how it feels. I love, love, love the fall and even though we don't have the gorgeous color changes going on here I can see it in my mind and know that I will be home in a week and a half to see it in person. October has some wonderful memories for me and it is also the month of my wedding anniversary - 9 years. So, today I plan to enjoy this wonderful weather while it lasts and take my daughter to the park after school.

Goodbye Shirley

My mother called me this morning to let me know that a very sweet family friend passed away this morning. Have you ever gotten together with someone and felt when you parted that it might be the last time you saw them? That was the way it was for me when I saw Shirley this summer at my mother's birthday party. She was 80+ years old but that wasn't really what made it think I may not see her again. It was the look in her eyes. She was there but she wasn't really. Her spirit just didn't seem in the game. She had developed diabetes over the last couple of years but other than that was a very healthy lady. She walked daily and continued cleaning houses up until the end. She was always very loving to me and to my daughter. I remember telling her this last time that if my daughter received another card in the mail with a $20 bill in it she was going to be in big trouble! She would write little notes with the cards and I would always mean to write back but more often than not, I would not make the time. I am glad that I thought to tuck in a few pictures of my daughter to give to her this summer because I know that meant a great deal to her. So today my heart goes out to her daughter. I know Shirley is at peace now but her daughter is lost today. She found her this morning when she returned from work. My mother is headed to her house to help her make the necessary calls and to sort out the details. I know this will be a hard day for my mother as well as I am sure it will bring up a lot of painful memories from when my nana passed away - nine years ago this fall. Maybe it's because my daughter is studying the different roles/responsibilites people have but I just keep thinking about that this morning - the roles people play and the responsibilities we have to each other when we are in a relationship be it a family relationship or a friendship. We have had a handful of people emerge this past week to support us with our latest miscarriage - some are the usual suspects and a few have been quite unexpected and all of their thoughts and prayers have helped us to begin to heal. So I guess that is just the circle of life. We are blessed to have amazingly caring people in our lives who we can laugh with in the good times and cry with in the bad times and when it's their turn to do the leaning we are strong for them. So, goodbye Shirley. I will miss you.

Disappointment

I know a lot about disappointment. Let me just also say that while that is so very true, I also have an amazing family and for the most part on the day to day basis, I love my life. My disappointments have been on a pretty large scale though and I tend not to talk about them all that often. I guess I think it will lead to wallowing or self pity or will just sound like I am boo hooing. My latest disappointment is my most recent miscarriage. It started this weekend and is still going on today. This is my third in a row and I just don't know that I can go through this again. So, today I am so very sad and so very tired of getting my hopes up for what are normal expectations in life and then just having them disappointed. It makes me not want to have hopes and it makes me so confused when I look around and see so many people my age just sailing smoothly through life. I don't begrudge any of them their smooth sailing, I'd just like to experience it once in a while too.

In Constant Motion

I feel lately like our lives are in constant motion with no time for rest. We returned from NY just in time for my daughter to attend tennis camp for a week and then start school. She is attending a new school this year so there are all new routines to learn and new friends to make. It is lots of fun but also a lot of effort. I have been to more meetings in the last few months than I have probably been to since I worked. My husband and I both feel that it is important to be involved at her school and to try and develop relationships with some of the parents of her classmates and truthfully, I enjoy it - except for the meetings. So, that transition from summer to new school is taking a bit longer than I had anticipated. I am carpooling this year with one of my neighbors and that is wonderful. She likes to leave a bit earlier than I think is necessary but I can deal with that because the payoff is so great! I drive every other week in the morning and then we both pick up each day because our girls get done at different times. The car line in the afternoon is seriously ridiculous though. She is dismissed at 3:15 but I have arrived as early as 2:30 and there is always a line several cars deep. Forget about arriving at 3:15 beacuse the line wraps all the way through the parking lot and onto the very busy street. Trying to use the time productively but ultimately the waiting just feels like a waste of time.

Our house has been in the process of being painted since the week that school started (Aug.20th). We hired painters recommended by my brother and to say that it was a colossal mistake is an understatement. It was clear by the end of the second day that they were not really doing a great job and by the end of the third day (which by their standards began at 9am and ended at 1:30 with an hour break for lunch) they had ruined the shoemolding on our baseboard which ultimately all had to be replaced by my husband and had slopped paint all over my hardwood floors, baseboards, etc. Do you think they offered to pay for it or even offered an apology - ummm no! So it was clear that we could not have them do any more work in our house for fear that they would destroy the entire thing by the time they actually finished. They did not take being fired very well. Of course we had given them half of our money up front and so now we are trying to decide if it is worth the hassle to take them to court to recoup the loss. Since we fired them, I have been trying to do some of the painting myself. I have painted a bathroom, two vanities and some of the baseboard but I just can't really do any more. So, our new painter is starting tomorrow and I am very hopeful that this experience will be more positive. Unfortunatley our house has been just a mess for a month now and that is just stressful for us. Add to that a brother that has been completely unsupportive and my mother who as usual makes excuses for said brother and you get me who at this point is just so over them both!

To add to the stress, my daughter has been battling strep for over two weeks now. She came home at the end of the first full week with a fever and I promptly took her to the night hours at our pediatrician. The strep test came back positive and after a few doses she seemed back to normal. She finished the antibitic a week ago and by Friday night she again had a fever. I took her to pediatric after hours on Saturday and they tested for flu (negative) and then decided it must be antibiotic resistent strep although they were unable to test for it as she had just finished up the other antibiotic. I'm just not sure that is the right diagnosis. She has a loose front tooth that has turned gray over the past week and by Sunday was red and swollen so we headed to the dentist yesterday to see if it was absessed. Dentist thinks not but said the antibiotic could have cleared up an infection if there was one. They left the tooth and told her to keep wiggling it and to come back if it doesn't eventually fall out. She just doesn't seem right to me though and I am more than a bit concerned. She has sunken eyes, she's pale - her one eye almost looks like she has a black eye on the lid part. She doesn't have a fever though and although her appetite has not really returned, she does seem to have energy. So, for now I wait and I worry. She has such tremendous anxiety about doctors that I do not want to subject her to anything that may be unnecessary but in the back of my mind I am worried about the low white cell count she had a year ago. I know instead of worrying I should just be praying but sometimes when it comes to your children it is hard to let go of the worry!

So that is the story of the crazy hamster treadmill I find myself on these days. I am also trying to plan a trip to NYC in October for a friend's wedding, a tag along on a business trip with my husband to San Francisco in November and another trip to NY state to visit my mother for Thanksgiving with maybe a side trip to Boston. Add to that the changes my husband and I have been making to our diet over the last couple months (he has lost 40 pounds since July and I have lost 20 since August) and I just feel like I am in constant motion with more and more to do on the never ending to do list.

Off to New York

My daughter and I are off to New York tomorrow for ten days. We are going to visit with my mom, go into New York City for the day and go to the beach to see several aunts, uncles and cousins for a long weekend. I also have plans to see three or four of my BFFs from high school and college. My husband may fly up to meet us at the beach but those plans are still up in the air at this point. Busy, busy, busy!!
I am both looking forward to and dreading this trip all at the same time. I know I am trying to cram a whole lot into ten days and some of it is going to be stressful. There has been a bit of drama between one of my uncles and myself over the past six months and I am dreading seeing him at the beach. I hate a confrontation and am going to do everything in my power to avoid one but I know at best it is going to be very uncomfortable around him. So that part of the trip stinks and I think the anxiety I am feeling about that is kind of overshadowing any excitement I may have. I also feel bad because my beach portion of the trip has been cut short for many reasons (spending as little time with said uncle being only one of them) and some of my extended family members have made it known that they are upset about this fact. I have encouraged them to just enjoy us while we're there but I'm not so sure they are going to be able to let it go. Ahhh families - probably one of the reasons we moved as far south as we could.
I am looking forward to the portion of my trip that I will spend visiting with my mom and old friends. We are taking my daughter into NYC and making stops at American Girl, Dylan's Candy Bar and maybe Central Park Zoo. We are going to definately stop by the plaza again as my daughter is hoping to get a glimpse of Eloise. We were there in October and the doorman was so sweet - he went on and on about Eloise and told my daughter that we had just missed her. He answered all of her questions and made her feel as special as can be. While at American Girl my daughter will be forking over her long saved money for Rebecca Rubin, the new historical doll. I am so proud of her for working for this doll all summer and saving her allowance and birthday money(and any other money she was able to squeeze out of unsuspecting friends and relatives). We counted her money today and she has just enough. Until now, my mother has been suppying her with all of her dolls (six so far) and I thought this would be a good opportunity to work towards something that she wanted. I don't think we are going to have lunch there. We did it in October and it was cute but I think there are other places we may enjoy just as well. I'm really just curious about Dylan's and thought my daughter would get a kick out of it so we will stop there. We are going to catch up with a friend of mine quickly and then we may try to go to the zoo. That will probably be it for us and then we'll take the train home. I would like to take her to see a show but I think that's too ambitious - especially since whenever we go to the city my mother likes to be back home by dark. Don't ask me. I don't fight it because it has only been in the last six years I've gotten her to even agree to go into the city.
We are also going to be in NY on my mother's birthday so that will be fun. I'm going to make all the desserts for her celebration so that will probably take up a day. We are going to go pick plums which I think will be fun. We tried to pick apples in the fall but had a whole entourage of family members with us who were very over apple picking. They all live in NY and the novelty has worn off I guess. We've got dinners planned with friends and I intend to eat all of my favorite foods while I am there. All of the yummy things I can not get here in the south will be consumed I'm sure! Many other little activities planned too. Actually writing this is taking away much of the anxiety and now I am anticipating a good trip. Better get some sleep and print my boarding pass!

So when did we get a social life???

This is what my husband wanted to know a few minutes ago. So when DID we get a social life. I don't know. I guess we've had a social life on and off for years now but we have moved so frequently that sometimes we forget. In the past we've moved just when we've assembled a nice litle group of friends that we all enjoy. You know the kind I mean - the friends where everyone involved actually enjoys one another - you like the wife, your husband likes the husband, your kids play nice together - not the kind where you like the wife but really the others not so much and your husband reluctantly goes to a cookout at their house but you have to hear about it the whole drive over. Sometimes it takes a while to assemble a nice little group of friends. For us it seems to take about two years or so and up until now at about the two/three year point, we seem to be moving on to another city thanks to my husband's job, thus leaving behind our nicely assembled group of new friends. The good part is that we have friends that we keep in touch with from all of our old homes but the bad part is that we find ourselves without much of a social life for long stretches of time. In some ways that can be nice and we do try to make the best of it because my husband and I actually enjoy each others company (how strange is that!) and we really like our daughter (amazing) - so we do things together on the weekend like swim or play tennis or sit on the couch watching HGTV (sad but actually true) and we just relax together. At times we have even been smug about it as my brother and his wife are racing around to no less than 3 birthday parties each and every weekend followed by dinner at her parents house and some function or another with church friends. Or as my husbands sister and her husband shuttle between her parents and his and all of their required social functions - not really staying at any one long enough to enjoy any of it. We have sat back and chuckled to ourselves that we are so happy to be able to do what we enjoy with our time and not have so many social obligations. But, the truth is that I grew up in a very social family - lots of last minute cookouts; my mother's friends stopping over for coffee, neighbors coming over in the evening to sit in lawn chairs on our front lawn and watch all of the kids play, etc and I tend to miss that type of thing. So, I am never truly content until we have a full social calendar and it seems that we are once again filling up our weekends and our evenings with good friends and people we enjoy. Let's just hope that doesn't mean that we are approaching another move. I guess the one good thing about this economy is that since selling our house at this point is unlikely, we are going to be staying put for awhile. Good thing we have a social life to take our mind off of it!

It's a new day...

Today is a new day. It is not raining and there is blue in the sky. My heart feels a little less heavy as does my daughter's. I'm still feeling sad and I gave a good bit of thought to leaving the blinds drawn on that side of the house. But, I decided that we need to move on. Onward and upward. We have to let go of the past to move forward. I was going to have her write a note to her friend so there would be something waiting in the mailbox when she arrived at the new house but I decided that it was not a good idea. I am not going to bring up the friend unless she does for the next couple of days to give her heart some time to heal and her head some time to process. If you knew me, you'd think I had clearly gone off my rocker! You see, I am a talker. I talk about everything and I have always been a firm believer that in order to really work through an issue or problem it must be talked about, disected, rehashed. I was a psychology major and a counselor. It's what I do!! I listen. Everyone of my friends has called over the years with a late night problem that they needed to talk about and they needed my ear to listen so they could work it out. Then I met my husband and after him along came my daughter and they are just not talkers. For years I have thought this a bad thing. I have thought that maybe my husband wasn't really in touch with his feelings or that he was ignoring things that he needed to deal with. After almost nine years of marriage and even more years of being together, I finally realized a few months ago that while I thought he wasn't dealing with things because he wasn't talking about them, he was dealing with them in another way. Gasp!! Could there possibly be another way besides my own tried and trusted method. I think there is. Yesterday when I brought up the friend my daughter said please don't talk about her, it doesn't make it better; it makes it worse. So, I am going to respect that. I am going to keep a close eye on her and I am going to try to find things to take her mind off of the friend. Yesterday afternoon we went to Build-A-Bear and made a new friend (stuffed but a friend none-the-less) and followed that up with dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and a stop at Target where we got some school supplies. I know this is aweful but somehow Target always makes it a little bit better. Today we have a playdate scheduled with an old friend. We haven't had her over in a while and sometimes they play nice and other times they need a lot of help working out their differences. Let's hope today goes well. My daughter is super excited to play with this friend and has a tea party planned for snack time. She requested scones "because you can't have a tea party without scones, Mommy!!" Love it. She may not like to discuss her feelings but there's no denying that she's my girl!